Lean In and Trust

Psalm 23 is a go-to chapter of the Bible for any Christian going through any season of hard. Yesterday, I was sent a breakdown of what it all means for us. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” was explained as “That’s reality!”. And it is. We all walk through a valley at some point in our lives.

Today, that is my reality.

Fostering kids with a trauma background can be a walk through a dark valley at the best of times. But after the death of their mom, we are walking through a pretty deep valley of darkness.

Six months ago, there was a very real possibility that the five kids we are fostering would be reunified with their mom. But she was so sick. She didn’t make it. And now they may be ours forever. I should feel joy in that. But instead, I feel so much grief.

I think I’m depressed. I’m definitely walking through a season of burnout.

I have always wanted to be a mom to a bunch of kids. Currently I am struggling with enjoying it. It feels like too much. I don’t have any compassion. I shut down easily. I get frustrated when someone gets hurt, instead of going to them with compassion, I feel burdened by their need for a hug or a cuddle or some sympathy.

It makes me feel like a terrible person.

I spend too much time on my phone. Way too much time on my phone. And today I am hiding on my computer instead. I just like to fix my eyes on something other than reality.

And I hate that this is how I feel.

I smile and laugh, but don’t actually feel the joy behind them. I long to feel joy again.

I admitted all of this to my husband last night. He offered me the opportunity go to our camper for a few days, alone. So tomorrow I leave for a few days of respite at the camper.

I’m praying it is a time spent well with God and for my broken self to feel refreshed and restored. To revive me from feeling numb and frustrated. I want to be present with my family again.

I think the hardest part of being a mom in burnout mode is knowing that my kids deserve a happy mom but knowing I d0n’t have that in me right now.

Please, Lord, restore my joy.

Amen.